A dose of my own medicine

Advice I give to clients but struggle to take myself

Lying on the massage table, I wanted to be in blissful, contemplative silence.

Instead, my mind was racing.

I was uncomfortably cold, but I couldn’t convince myself to actually ask for what I needed.

I felt trapped in my mind, rehearsing what I might say.

As my beloved massage therapist Olandra worked my hamstrings, I felt both distracted by discomfort and impatient with my own inaction. I kept berating myself, “Just say something!”

When I coach my clients on this topic, I regularly use the phrase “name your needs.”

Why is this so challenging to do?

There are a few reasons for this.

Decades of socialization have taught my clients and me that women should prioritize others’ needs over our own. Even in this massage designed for my care and comfort, I didn’t want to inconvenience Olandra or disrupt her flow.

I didn’t want to seem high maintenance or too demanding, both insults that are rarely lobbed at men.

Lastly for me, and for many of my clients, we’ve been in situations that have diminished our self-trust. We’ve had partners, employers, and elected officials question our lived experience. We haven’t been believed.

I didn’t trust my own experience. I struggled to speak up because I’d already confirmed that the table warmer was on. If it was, could I be chilly? I didn’t want to seem like I was second guessing Olandra.

When I finally worked up the nerve to say that I was cold, we learned that Olandra had started with the table warmer on high, but then the device had glitched and dropped down to low.

My first reaction was gleeful, “I’m justified in what I was feeling!” But I missed the point.

Olandra told me, “It could have been 80 degrees in here, and you could have been cold. Your experience is valid. It doesn’t have to be objective.”

I kept looking for justification, second guessing the sensations in my own body for fear of being inconvenient or wrong.

Our experience doesn’t have to be externally confirmed to be valid.

Once when I was on a wine tour, our guide gave us a useful tip for describing wine. If ever we felt intimidated, we could always say, “It reminds me of my spice rack.” Everyone’s spice rack is different, so even the fanciest sommelier can’t refute it.

The same is true of our personal experience of the world. It’s irrefutable, my loves.

Cheers to naming our needs, recognizing why it can be hard, and doing it anyway.
Lelia

PS In case you missed it, we defeated all 4 abominable amendments here in Louisiana. It was a topic of celebration on The View and a victory the Louisiana Illuminator described as “a stunning rejection of Republican Gov. Jeff Landry.” Thanks to everyone who came and texted, reached out to their friends, and voted. Onwards!

I made my first punch needle craft, which I think credibly looks like the strawberry I intended for it to be.