“Am I relevant to you?”

Babygirl and midlife musings

Babygirl opens with a scene in which Romy (Nicole Kidman) fakes an orgasm during sex with her husband Jacob (Antonio Banderas). Then she runs to another room to quietly masturbate.

In the next scene, Jacob asks, “Am I relevant to you?”

It’s a pointed question, but he clarifies that he’s asking about his role as a director.

Romy affirms his relevance too quickly and deadpans, “We have to pay more attention to the avalanche that’s going to cover us all very soon.”

The couple dissolves into laughter, immediately diffusing the darkness and potency of Romy’s thoughts, but moments into the film, the audience can already feel the pressure build.

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With the inauguration less than a week away, it feels as if our own avalanche is imminent.

It’d be easy to become incapacitated by the needs of my family, my community, my nation.

As I’ve taken a break from writing this newsletter, moments of self-doubt have crept in. Does the world really need the musings of a white middle-aged mom in south Louisiana?

I find myself asking, in the context of all this, *gestures everywhere* Am I relevant?

While I’ve posed these questions, my platform has continued to grow as my writing reaches more readers. (Welcome new subscribers!)

It’s both inspiring and daunting.

In describing myself as a white middle-aged mom in south Louisiana, I relegate myself to a caricature. I submit to the narrative that implies my perspective could only be valuable in the context of book club discussions and emoji-filled group chats.

I render myself irrelevant.

Alternatively, when I’ve gotten sexy bylines in major publications or gone viral, my writing related to the identities that render me most vulnerable, fearful in this political climate.

Am I just the sum of my answers to census questions?

Are my marginalized identities all that make me relevant?

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It turns out, I don’t believe these are the right questions.

Instead, I want to ask: Am I connected to community?

After I thanked her for her support, a paid subscriber recently wrote me,

“You’ve made a big difference in my life…Having space to learn and be honest with a supportive community is a game changer and you and your writing are a big part of that.”

Relevance, to me, is based on community—on investing in ourselves and one another.

There’s an avalanche coming, and we’re all relevant. Every one of us.

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In the opening of Babygirl, Jacob questions his potential irrelevance while seeking closeness with his wife who struggles with vulnerability. Themes of isolation, fear, and shame feed the film.

As the pressure builds and the inauguration nears, I refuse to submit to isolation, fear, and shame.

Too often, in both my life and my writing, I’ve felt immobilized by my desire to “get it right,” as though I’m answering questions on an Algebra test.

There aren’t clear answers. There are just paths forward.

And the path I’ll continue choosing every time is one of community. So I’ll keep writing, keep striving for connection.

Shortly after the election, a dear friend sent me the card below. In it, she wrote

“I will never surrender myself to hopelessness and despair.
As long as I got you, and you got me, we will be free.” - Devon Blow

Sincerely, thank you for being here and building this community with me.

The most meaningful feedback I get about my writing is it helps readers feel seen and less alone, so I’ll say it explicitly here:

You’re relevant, and your voice matters. I’m excited to see what we create.

With love,
Lelia

PS I’m pretty much off of social media, and I miss talking with y’all. Let’s share some love and light, shall we?

What’s one thing that’s made you smile recently? Just hit comment button below to share. I’ll share mine first and will be thrilled to hear from you.

Art by Katie Schaefer for Trader Joe’s (It’s wild how good their card selection is!)