The newsletter I almost didn’t send
(And why)
When the host brought us to our table, we all knew it was the worst seat in the restaurant.
Despite the expensive menu, white tablecloth, and posh decor, this was going to be an unpleasant meal.
The table was in the walkway next to the noisy kitchen, so every time a server grabbed an appetizer or an entree, they’d maneuver past our table. It felt like ours was an afterthought, like the thinking behind this part of the floorplan was, “Surely we can fit in one more four-top.”
After our host left us at our seats, Krystal (a pseudonym) said something to the effect of, “Absolutely not.” Recognizing we were all on the same page, I turned to the nearest server and asked to be moved to another table.
When the server said he’d check with the host, my stomach dropped. The restaurant was popular for business meetings like ours, and there was a chance that VIPs had already booked the nicer tables.
Additional context that informed the experience: Our party was one of the few that was all women. I can’t help but wonder if that factored into us getting seated at the “afterthought” table.
While I was mentally crossing my fingers and hoping for the best, Krystal had already brought her purse to a leather booth in the corner of the restaurant. She calmly collected our menus, and gestured playfully to our new table, “Right this way.”
I was impressed and horrified in equal measure. How could we disrupt decorum and lay claim to something that wasn’t given to us?
We all followed her.
Having left us at the booth, Krystal walked confidently to the maître d'. Her colleague remarked, “Krystal’s definitely an ‘ask for forgiveness’ kind of person.”
The maître d' graciously accepted Krystal’s calculated risk, and we had our own business meeting over dinner from the comfort of the booth.
It’s worth noting that Krystal was as considerate as she was confident. She didn’t belittle or shame the maître d'. She simply explained that we’d prefer to sit at the table where her purse and friends were already seated.
Weeks later, I keep thinking about the efficacy of Krystal’s actions and why they made me so uncomfortable. My immediate thought was “You can’t just do that!”
But she did.
I recognize that had Krystal been a white man who’d taken the exact same actions, I would have been filled with disgust, embarrassed to be associated with him. The parallels to Trump’s, Elon’s, DOGE’s, etc. terrifying and mercurial power grabs would have ruined my evening.
The racial and gender dynamics cannot be overlooked. A Black woman disrupting the status quo in an overpriced and bougie restaurant feels inherently different from a white man’s sense of entitlement.
Still, I kept reflecting about Krystal’s approach and why it was so different from my own.
When I shared this story with a dear friend, she seemed unsurprised. She told me, “For many Black women, asserting ourselves isn’t necessarily a bold act of resistance, it’s just habit born out of survival.”
My conversation with my friend shifted my thinking about the evening. It reoriented me to what might’ve motivated Krystal. What felt like an impressive show of gumption to me might just be a daily necessity for her.
As a white woman, my response to being denied access was to politely ask for permission. I assumed my request would be granted.
Krystal’s reaction to the same scenario was to disrupt the power dynamics entirely. Through decades of experience, perhaps she recognized taking an “ask for forgiveness” approach was her best chance at getting treated fairly.
I don’t know if this was a bold act of resistance or a daily act of necessity, but here’s what I do know: My instinct toward following the rules perpetuates the status quo, and that instinct is likely a product of privilege.
What started as a fairly lighthearted story about assertiveness ended up challenging my own expectations of social norms, power, and identity.
I almost didn’t send this essay for fear that I didn’t sufficiently land the plane or articulate a succinct message. But sometimes the work of challenging our own experience and unlearning is sitting in the uncertainty.
I’m going to keep thinking about the ways power and identity play into my perceptions. Thank you for being with me on the journey.
With love,
Lelia
PS Mark your calendar for a free Get Shit Done Day in collaboration with my beloved partners at Salon22. We’ll get together in Salon22’s beautiful co-working space on Tuesday, April 29 from 1-3pm (2407 Bienville St.)
Have tedious tasks you just can’t seem to finish? To-do list items that you keep procrastinating on? Join me for a grown-up study date to get shit done. I’ll provide strategic support, body doubling, and accountability so you can get those items off your list!
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