“Are you sure y’all are going the right way?” I shouted across the street as my partner’s friends walked toward the D.C. metro.
As we’d parted ways moments earlier, Xiaobs had quietly mentioned she wasn’t sure they were headed in the right direction.
I didn’t want them to go out of their way.
I was trying to be helpful.
Or was I being a know-it-all?
Turns out, there were two metro entrances, and these D.C. residents knew exactly where they were going. They’d picked the fastest route to their destination.
After a night of rich laughter and delightful connection, my parting words to my new friends were, essentially, “Despite not living here, I think I know better than you.”
Later that night, I cringed as I brushed my teeth. As I turned down the sheets, I combed through the remainder of the night for other faux pas I might’ve made. Did I talk too much? Did I ask enough questions? Why did I make that weird comment while we were waiting for dessert?
Finally, lying in bed, I wondered if Xiaobs’ friends liked me at all.
I want to believe this inventory of my transgressions serves a purpose. I’d like to say that by agonizing over past missteps, I’m safeguarded against future ones.
But I don’t think that’s true.
This cruel postmortem didn’t make me less likely to inadvertently embarrass myself in the future. It just stoked the feelings of inadequacy and embarrassment in the moment.
It had been an great day.
It started by basking in the glow of a deep friendship that spans nearly 20 years of life. In Arlington, VA, I met my beloved friend’s youngest kiddo for the first time and pushed her on the swings “high to the sky.”
In the afternoon, I read at Kramers bookstore and got to hug a beloved former client for the first time in six years. Xiaobs and I saw breathtaking portraits in the American Art Museum and read about our country’s long history of broken treaties in the Museum of the Native American. I walked 19,387 steps.
After an objectively delightful dinner with Xiaobs’ college classmates, I should have gone to bed with a full heart and a clear, but exhausted mind.
Instead, I found myself in this trap of self-doubt. The tendrils of insecurity crept into the rest of my day. Did I overstay my welcome in Arlington? Did I share too much with my former client? Had I been too all-over-the-place, too raw throughout the day?
What a relief to wake up to sunshine and fresh perspective the next day.
With the clear eyes of morning, I felt refreshed. I realized that at the heart of my critical analysis wasn’t a fear of being disliked or embarrassing myself. Those were the symptoms.
The crux of my internal conflict was the desire to be a thoughtful, attentive friend. The real questions I was posing were:
Did I center my own experience too much?
Did I demonstrate care and attention to these people I love and am growing to love?
Did my friends leave feeling cared for and seen?
It can be difficult to reconnect with long-distance friends. Particularly when significant time has passed and there’s limited time to reconnect, it’s hard to know what to share, how deep to go.
Here’s my intention for future visits:
May we show up with love and authenticity.
May we be present to one another’s experience.
May we deepen our connection.
And after, may I be gentle with myself as I strive to be a thoughtful, attentive friend who is also just a real live human navigating her own whirring mind.
Much love,
Lelia
Postcard Writing Party
Join me for a postcard writing party to mobilize Pennsylvania voters in the short term and in advance of the mid-terms.
Kiddos are welcome.
Can’t join but want to help write postcards? Hit reply, and I’ll get you set up.
Postcard Writing Party via Postcards to Swing States
Wednesday, September 3
5-7pm
Skeeta Hawk Brewery
(455 N Dorgenois)
Get Sh*t Done Days
in Partnership with Salon22
Have tedious tasks you just can’t seem to finish? To-do list items that you keep procrastinating on? Join me for a grown-up study date to get shit done.
Thursday, September 11
10-11am
Zoom
Tuesday, September 16
10-12:30
Salon22: 2407 Bienville St.
A Final Note
Do you ever find yourself making an “inventory of your transgressions” or a “cruel postmortem,” kicking yourself for everything you wish you’d done differently?
Each time you “like” an essay, it lets me and other readers know that we’re not alone in our experience and fosters a sense of community.
Please “like” the post below if you relate or enjoyed reading it. :)
This blessing: May we be present to one another’s experience.
::chef’s kiss::
I'm starting to think that this experience is "just being a human." The more I read and hear stories like this, the more I realize we are often worried about all the things (and then some!) that you highlight in this essay. Thanks for typing them out and sharing them.
The loneliness epidemic is so real, and I worry about us hiding away to avoid some of the thoughts and feelings you've written here. At risk of sounding too "get off my lawn!" I do wonder if folks who avoid social interaction would benefit from simply knowing that awkwardness in interpersonal situations is just, well, a part of life. AKA, the importance of learning that it's ok to be a little uncomfortable. Now I'm rambling. As always, thanks for the interesting brain-scratcher!